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46 years old today.

I don’t celebrate birthdays and never actually have. Even as a child. I’ve never had a birthday party, wrapped up gifts, or a cake. I did get an alarm clock radio for my 11th birthday from a neighbor. I got a radio for my 12th while in a temporary shelter in child services. And then my 13th birthday, I was given a little jewelry box from the staff in the group home. My wife bought me art supplies for my 35th? Back before she realized I’m broken.

It feels like yesterday I was 34. The day before that 26. A few minutes before that, 19. I still see the same person in the mirror but I barely recognize her. Not in a “wow, you got old” kinda way. More like a “look at you, still hanging on, slightly wiser, tamed down version of what you once were” kind of way.

Aging is strange. I used to panic, the threat of time running out chopping at my heels. Now I’m not worried. I’ve lived a full life. It’s okay. Nothing is considered when you die because you aren’t here anymore. It’s part of life. I’ve always puzzled about why we’re here, given such a short time frame to get whatever we’re going to get done. I’m no Van Gogh, Plato, Marx, or Marilyn Monroe. My name won’t be a consideration in another 20 years, much less hundreds. I never did anything to warrant memory.

For a long time that bothered me. What is my legacy?! I had three children. I make ceramics, which are pretty permanent, even if broken. In recent years I’ve come to realize it doesn’t matter much. I know it sounds rather pessimistic for such a positive minded person. But it’s honest, if nothing else.

I’m not saying I’m finished. I finally have and am in love for the first time. I am passionate about my work and I see that continuing to get better. I have several rescued cats that I practically worship, they’re so spoiled. I can afford to pay my bills. I am living my best life right now at 46 years old.

I guess I’m just saying that it’s still another day that somehow I didn’t see coming because it crept up on me.

So here’s to another year gone and another day in paradise.

Kitties on the Catio. Israel (ginger muffin), Ginger Snap Cookies (calico), and a toss up between Xavia or Roxanne for the little grey kitty. They look a lot alike and I can’t tell from here.

6 responses to “46”

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